ONE NIGHT STAND/HOOK UP

18
FEMALE
Ukiah
CONFESSION

I'm dying from the inside out but not once will you hear me shout. Don't look me in the eyes you'll be scared of how much I want to die. I marinate in silence because everyone say be quiet. Though I may be shedding tears you couldn't bare to see my fears. I may be small and you think you know it all. They say the little ones are the one you have to watch out for. Sitting here in silence observing and spectating yet seeming timid and afraid. You question my silence but you'd fear my life. My story. You'd fear what has made me just who I am. But you think I'm weak when I break. You don't feel the emptiness I feel. You haven't seen the demons I've faced. You haven't suffered the physical abuse. You haven't suffered the mental abuse. You wouldn't make it a day in my shoes. Most people fear receiving fake love. But that's all I've ever been given. That's all I've ever been taught. You say I'm heartless for not wanting to love. You think I'm strange for preferring not to feel any emotion. But if you'd been through what I'd been through I'd wonder if you would have made it as far as I have now. Fuck I almost didn't make it this far. Several times I've tried giving up but the universe delicately whispers in my ear that it's not my time. It's the delicate whispers I fear rather than the raging screams. You know what's coming when you can hear and see the emotion. But a whisper? When there is no emotion? No implications? Then what do you expect? You don't know what to expect or to fear or to brace yourself for. So you cling on to pain, anger, hatred, resentment, fear. You cling onto every bit and piece of bitterness you hold within you and you let it drive you. You let it help build up every wall higher than the tallest castle and Sturdier than the safest bridge. You protectyourself from any form of human emotion whatsoever. You then feel protected from the evils and sins of people's actions and words because you feel absolutely nothing. Absolutely fucking dead inside. But to protect yourself from all evils you are also preventing everything else. You don't get to experience happiness or joy. All you desire is to be driven to prove every fucking piece of shit who told you that you couldn't that they're wrong. That you're stronger than they think. That you can overcome every obstacle and road bump that is thrown at you. You strive to be who you know you can be. You prove that you have the willpower to be successful and to make them all feel proud. But that makes you feel so deeply dead and shallow. You feel broken and empty. The harder you strive to make them proud the more you wish and pray for your own death at the end of the day. You destroy your soul just to get your family's acceptance. But why kill yourself for people that don't care if you struggle so why try to succeed for their sakes? Why try to prevent them from feeling like failures. Why try loving the people that are supposed to love you and protect you the most when they're not even fucking there. They know how you fucking feel they know that you struggle day in and day out. They spectate your life and criticize every wrong move but offer no structure or guidance or support they offer no love. They're just a frequent liability in your life making you feel some typa way. But how can you grow up in that environment and expect to feel an emotion to its fullest. You doubt every single feeling that you're feeling and wonder if it's legit because you don't know what a single damn real emotion feels like. How can you ever learn to genuinely love if all you've ever experienced was fake love. You live every day feeling like a psociopath because you have the inability to experience genuine emotion but have inexplicable ability to portray emotions as if you are actually feeling those influential emotions that standard people actually get to experience in authenticity. You spectate and observe everyone feeling how they feel and are forced to realize that it's time to face the facts and accept that you're different. It kinda scares you. But you still brace it with arms spread openBut what actually scares you is when the thoughts of harm kick in. Not just to inflict harm on yourself but on others also. You begin to wonder if you're suicidal or homicidal or if you need to be institutionalized you're screaming for help there's not way out everyday you you strive to change but by nightfall you cry and wish and pray for your own death there's nowhere to run nowhere to turn no one to help you want to numb but have had enough of drugs you press the bottle to your lips and you drink until the lights turn out. You wake up in ICU and your in tears just for the fact that you have woken up you live like a mummy following routine instructions but yet you still fight and still try to live your own life but it doesn't work you don't know what to do so you're sitting here typing this and it's your cry for help but no one hears no one notices no one cares no one tries you just sit there and pay attention to your phone while conversation surrounds you and you plot and try to make a plan to figure out how to make things work and be better you have an idea but you fear your set backs and you cringe at everyone thrown your way and you wonder what to do. And yet your story continues and has yet to be written. So we sit and wait to speculate and hate. To criticize and crucify. So now it's time to wait and see how your story continues